Nigel Farage has gone full Facebook comment section - he's a crybaby with a microphone

Keir Starmer has long been accused, even by his supporters, of being a bit of a boring managerial type - not an unfair assessment. But yesterday in Liverpool, his conference speech tried something different, and I actually liked it. Let's be clear: this wasn't an oratory performance for the ages. Nobody's chiselling "NHS Online" into the marble of Westminster Abbey. But for once, Starmer wasn't just the nation's headteacher scolding us about rules and responsibility. He showed some actual character, some ambition, and even a bit of vision.

His performance couldn't hold a candle to Kinnock's at Bournemouth in 1983, there was no fire, no defining break with the past, but you could sense a similar instinct: a leader trying to assert himself, to tug his party towards something bigger, more united, and more serious than a patchwork of grievance groups shouting past one another.

He talked about economic growth as the 'antidote to division', a neat enough phrase, though it did sound like it had been lifted straight from a Goldman Sachs sales manual.

He finally junked the old Blairite obsession with funneling half the country into universities, putting apprenticeships on equal footing and, for once, making them actually matter.

He pitched a digital NHS that could make waiting lists less of an endurance sport. And he promised, with his prosecutor's clarity, to fight with every breath he has for working people and a Britain that doesn't collapse into decline.

This was Starmer trying on the clothes of a Prime Minister, not just a risk manager. They didn't quite fit, but you could at least picture him growing into them.

Speaking of things that don't fit, along came Nigel Farage, forever squeezing himself into the costume of a statesman, when everyone can see it's two sizes too big, and stinking of bitter ale.

Farage, bless him, cannot stand it when the spotlight wanders. Within minutes of Starmer's speech, there he was, popping up like a pub regular furious that someone else has grabbed "his" stool.

His response was pure grievance cabaret: Labour called his policies racist, therefore Starmer had, by implication, called millions of Reform voters racist too. Cue outrage, hand-wringing, and the sort of self-pity that would embarrass a toddler.

Let's be blunt: Farage has built an entire career on calling others weak, soft, unpatriotic, you name it. But the second someone turns the hose on him, he melts into a puddle of indignation.

Starmer criticises his deport-'em-all immigration fantasy, and suddenly Farage is Cassandra at the barricades, warning of threats to his poor, embattled councillors.

He even dragged in Antifa, a clear sign the rant has gone full Facebook comment section, and claimed Labour's language would incite violence. Farage wants to be seen as the pint-swilling 21st Century Churchill of Clacton.

But when pushed, he plays the victim, not the bulldog. A crybaby with a microphone. Starmer says Farage doesn't like Britain. Farage says Starmer doesn't understand Britain. Both men are, in their way, correct. Starmer speaks of Britain as a long-term project management plan; Farage speaks of Britain like it's a beloved boozer ruined by hipsters with laptops.

One is selling continuity with a dose of optimism, the other is selling rage in a Union Flag water bottle. The Conservatives, reduced to a heckling Greek chorus, muttered about tax rises, while David Lammy took time to remind the world that Farage once flirted with Hitler Youth. (Note: in British politics, "flirted" can mean anything from wrote a regrettable essay at 17 to has an awkward selfie on a randomer's Facebook).

Meanwhile, Ed Davey and the Lib Dems tried to applaud from the sidelines, like that kid at a football match who insists he touched the ball once.

So yes, I liked it. I liked Starmer's speech. Maybe it's the hangover talking, but for the first time in a while, I thought: this guy actually gets it. Not all of it, not perfectly, but enough. And if that makes Nigel Farage cry into his pint, well, that's just a bonus.